Growing Pains

Driving West on I-68 tonight, all I wanted to do was cry or scream or punch something. Maybe I really wanted to yell and speak hateful words. No, no, I just wanted to lay down and sleep or watch a movie and forget about today. Well, truthfully, if there was a way to do all of the above in the same moment, I would have tried.

As it was, I just kept driving and let the tears flow while odd sounding sobs escaped me. "I'm a mess. I can't handle this. God, I wanted to be a bright light. What kind of light am I? Am I even dimly glowing? I don't know what I'm doing. I can't stay on top of my caseload. I'm failing. Something needs to change, but what? Why am I faltering so badly?"

My frustration and self-pity poured out into the empty car as I cruised down the highway, passing the dull, graying scenery of countryside dripping from the misting of the clouds. Anyone who paid attention to me as our vehicles passed must have thought I'd just lost my best friend. No, folks, my pride's just been bruised and being an adult is not easy in these moments.

Integrity

I've prayed that God would grant me the strength to walk by the light of His integrity 

Joy

I've long for a life filled with more abundant joy - and it's not found in circumstances

Peace

I've wanted peace that passes all understanding

The enormity of the Gospel

I want to know more fully know the power of the work Christ did on the cross. What it means to surrender my life, every part, to be an offering of thanksgiving and worship to Him whom I can never repay for the price He paid to redeem my soul, set me free, and bring me into a life of light

God's heart for the nations

"Nothing I do will make Him love me more. And nothing I do will make Him love me less." I want to know how to pass it on

Holy God

He cannot abide unholiness; therefore, He has - through His Gospel - granted me a way of receiving His righteousness, His holiness in exchange for my rags of filth and sin so I can be in His presence. But not just linger on the fringes, I can jump into His arms and allow His embrace to engulf my being

I've been praying for more of it all. Push has come to shove. Where will I land and how will I stand?

"Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist (I have so much to learn, but God has made me valuable), with the breastplate of righteousness in place (I can stand unashamed because of the renewing, cleansing power of Christ as I believe in His Words), and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the Gospel of peace (If God is for me, who can stand against me? I do not need to fear, for You, O Lord, are with me). In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish the flaming arrows of the evil one (faith, trusting that God's promises are true, that His promises are for me). Take the helmet of salvation (which results in "inexpressible and glorious joy" for salvation is the end result of our faith - the saving of our souls) and the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God (Sharper than a double-edged sword, it cuts to the heart of the matter bringing conviction, hope, freedom, and healing)." Ephesians 6:14-17

I'm glad I cried. While I don't like feeling weak or inadequate, I am grateful for a God who is big enough. I am thankful for His provision of supportive co-workers and friends who care by listening and empathizing. I am thankful I am not alone. And I am thankful that regardless of what happens in this life, nothing can separate me from the love of Christ.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9